Young adults see things through their unclouded imagination. Fostering a healthy amount of creativity and allowing teenagers make their own decisions allows them to learn how to problem solve, helps develop a firm sense of their own identity, and helps them learn to take responsibility for those decisions. As we get older, we learn what is “supposed to be” and what is appropriate. Young adults only know what they are taught, and if you allow them to explore the infinite world of possibilities they can come up with some pretty imaginative answers (N. Denninger, personal communication, September, 2005) .

So what does this mean for you as a parent? How much is too much? Do you allow your teenager to wear black and red striped stockings and chains to school? What can you do to help your teenager be and stay creative, but not be the talk of the town for their dress and style? The answer lies within you as a parent and speaking openly and honestly with your teenager. There are ways to allow your young adult to express their inner creativity and personality and still remain within a framework. Talking about clothing choices in a curious manner instead of judging what your teenager wears is a great start. Using dress as a connecting moment with your young adult can help them make the best decision for themselves.

Suitable attire can be especially difficult on special occasions where certain social norms come into play such as church, award ceremonies, concerts, and other functions. Talking with your teenager about what they plan to wear is perfectly appropriate, however as parents, you want to keep in mind that you ultimately cannot control what your teenagers do. It is important to consider that your teenager may be using their dress style as a way for them to explore who they really are and a way to differentiate themselves from you the parent, which is perfectly normal development. We need to be open, honest, and curious about what they do, how they dress, and who they are. You may be surprised that your teenager may respond in the same way, open and honest. Every day is an opportunity to have a discussion about how to navigate the differences between self exploration, choice, and social norms.

*Moran, M. (2005). Weird behavior, creativity linked. World Science.  Retrieved from http://www.world-science.net/othernews/050906_weirdfrm.htm

Some school Administrators are feeling defeated over drug use in schools.  What is causing this?  Lollipops!  With the development and diversification of edible marijuana products, schools just aren’t able to track if the candy their students are consuming has more than just sugar in it.  According to a recent article in the Denver Post, “Medical-marijuana-infused products, known in the industry by the generic term “edibles,” have exploded as a market niche and now encompass a broad range of items. There are lozenges, teas, colas, lollipops, ice cream bars, salad dressings and numerous varieties of pastries, from standard brownies to organic chocolate coconut cups.”

Rather than the circumstances creating an untenable situation, what it points to is how important a strong, healthy relationship with your teen or young adult is now, more than ever.  When methods of control and supervision are no longer adequate, supporting your child with having the internal motivation and capacity to make good choices becomes preeminent.

How frequently are you talking to your teen or young adult about drug use?  Are you informed?  Do you sound credible?  Here are some great resources to help educate you as parents:

The Safety First Project website, www.safety1st.org, contains balanced information with continuously updated “Drug Facts” about the effects of today’s most prevalent drugs: alcohol, ADHD drugs (such as Ritalin), antianxiety drugs (such as Xanax), antidepressants (such as Prozac), cocaine, Ecstasy, ephedrine, GHB, heroin, inhalants, ketamine, LSD, marijuana, methamphetamine, mushrooms, opioids, Salvia, steroids and tobacco.  For an all-around resource check out, From Chocolate to Morphine: Everything You Need to Know about Mind-Altering Drugs, by renowned health expert, Andrew Weil, M.D., and former high school teacher, Winifred Rosen.  For information about marijuana in particular, read Understanding Marijuana: A New Look at the   Evidence by Mitch Earleywine, Ph.D., and/or Marijuana Myths, Marijuana Facts: A Review of the Scientific Evidence by Lynn Zimmer, Ph.D. and John P.Morgan, M.D.

Another important question is, do you have a safe enough relationship with your child that they are willing to be open and honest with you about their behavior?  And even if you do, sometimes young people just aren’t willing to open up to their parents, so are there other people in your child’s life that are responsible and that they do talk to, a relative, a family friend, a teacher or professor.  These individuals are so important, especially as kids mature through adolescence and into young adulthood.

And what do these conversations need to be about?  Education is definitely a component, not in the form of lecturing of course!  But in the form of sharing important factual information without resorting to scare tactics, and this is where your education as a parent is important.  And along with education comes assessment.  What if your teen or young adult opens up to you and acknowledges they have used or are using alcohol and or drugs.  This is a critical conversation.  One that is important to have, so stay calm and be curious.  This does not mean you are condoning the behavior, but it hopefully does mean that you will be able to discern if what they are talking about is a form of experimentation, or if it has progressed to more regular abuse.

And the big question is how to determine if professional help is necessary.  Because drug and alcohol addiction and abuse are symptoms of painful underlying issues, Vive recommends erring on the side of caution and making every effort to ensure that your child’s emotional needs are being met effectively and having a therapist or other professional help you to determine what if any support your child would benefit from.  What research indicates is that when emotional needs are met, children develop a resiliency that helps them to navigate the teen years through young adulthood.  This doesn’t mean they will be perfect, as you already know, but their ability to stay connected with their inner compass and think critically will definitely benefit and the likelihood of them reaching out for help when they need it increases.

Now that we are well into January, you may be moving ahead with your personal resolutions. Have you considered setting some resolutions for your family? This year is a great time to make a commitment to working on your family! There are countless ways to commit to your family. Consider these 5 high impact resolutions:

Eat Meals Together. It’s so easy in our busy lives to just survive through dinner, between getting something on the table, everyone eating and cleaning up (around which there’s activities, work, clean up, getting ready for the next day!). But eating meals together has a big impact. Family meals have been shown to lead to better mental and physical health for children, and “the more often kids eat dinner with their families, the less likely they are to smoke, drink or use drugs.” (National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse)

Have More Fun. As a family, figure out how you can have more fun together. It doesn’t have to be expensive or time-consuming, but it’s so important and good for a family to have good times together. You could try a movie night at home, hikes, bike rides, or trying a new restaurant. Whatever the age of your children, try following their lead in having fun by asking what they want to do and what they want you to do with them. You may be surprised!

Get Connected with Your Kids. At Vive, we teach parents about the importance of connecting with their kids. This is because connection is vital to your kids at all ages! A deep connection with parents or guardians helps kids thrive in life. Meals together and having fun together are great ways to connect. You can also commit to learning the 9 heart-centered parenting essentials of Chaos to Connection through our parenting program. You will discover how to have deeper connections with those you love, how to help your kids thrive, and have greater joy in your family.

Get Connected with Your Spouse or Partner. Just as important as connecting with your kids is connecting with your spouse or partner. Research shows the importance in the lives of children of parents connecting with each other. Take the opportunity in 2011 to make a greater commitment to your spouse or partner. Need some tips? Check out SheKnows.com’s article on “Love Your Mate in the New Year.”

Take Care of Yourself. And your connections will only be as good as your connection with yourself. If you’ve made resolutions to take better care of yourself this year, you are making a difference in your family! If you need to make some changes, read our blog entry, “3 Ways to Rethink New Year’s Resolutions” and blog series, “10 Steps to Loving Your Body.” You (and your family) are worth the investment.

You can help your child offset these seasonal challenges and rediscover the joy of winter! Connect with your teen and help them positively channel their energy by trying one of the following tips.

1. Sunlight and movement. If the sun is out, get outside and take a 30-minute walk with your teen before dinner and talk about the day. If the weather is not so nice, bundle up and find something fun to do outside. If you live where it snows, make a snowman, go sledding or ice skating! Fresh air, physical movement, and sunlight are the key ingredients to alleviating winter blues and blahs.

2. Indoor sports and activities. Look into signing your teen up for an indoor team sport or activity such as soccer, hockey, dance, swimming, or basketball. Physical activity of some sort is imperative to maintain in the winter, especially in developing teenagers.

3. Try new things. Encourage alternative forms of physical activity such as bike riding, ice skating, skiing, snowboarding, hiking, or sledding. Use these winter months as an opportunity to get to know your teen’s varied interests.

4. Eat well. Along with the endorphin induced serotonin boost that comes from physical activity, high protein foods such as lean meats, nuts, and beans also increase serotonin levels.

5. Find an outlet. Help your teen find a creative outlet for their energy. Art, music, theater, and reading are some ideas that might keep your teen energized. An outside creative focus alleviates the grind of a school routine that is so far away from summer vacation.

1. Focus on planning and preparation for the holidays. Ignore your kids, spouse, family members, and any friends who are standing close by so that your house, decorations and food look like something out of a magazine. After all, the pictures have to look good!
2. Indulge in bad habits. It’s time to eat, drink, spend and be merry! And, heck, it’s almost the New Year. You’ll have plenty of time to make New Year’s resolutions to “do better” in just a few weeks. If things get really bad, you can also eat to make yourself feel better.
3. Rely on others to make the holidays fun and exciting. Truly, the holidays are all about others doing what you want and need – without any clue or conversation – to make these holidays memorable and fun.
4. Assume the worst. What’s the harm in it? Your brother and his family will most certainly ruin the meal you always look forward to. The kids will tear up the house. No one will like the presents you bought. Your teenager will go off with her friends. And all of the food will taste terrible.
5. Set really high, unrealistic expectations of yourself, your family, and the holiday. Home magazines don’t lie! The holidays should be perfect and beautiful, and you have everything to make it happen. You should also receive the gift(s) of your dreams. Don’t let your family or friends stand in your way (see tip number one).
6. Get your greed on. Despite all the sentiments, you know the holiday are really about getting as much as you can. Make a point to teach your kids that the focus of the holiday is on getting gifts. And lots of them.
7. Buy gifts for yourself. You know your family isn’t going to pick out the right thing. Come prepared by buying everything you really want or need before anyone has the chance to mess it up.
8. Nag your teen. Why wait until after the holidays? Your teen needs to be nagged now. There is no time to lose.
9. Keep working. The world doesn’t stop for holidays, why should you? Keep right on working despite the holidays by checking your e-mail, making phone calls, and starting work plans for the new year throughout the celebrations.
10. And not to be missed in the top ten ways to ruin the holidays – take very little interest in others. Do what you can to avoid connecting with others. There are so many easy ways to achieve this – keep the television on, check your phone regularly, send text messages, find work to do, focus on keeping the house clean, and start making plans as soon as the holiday dishes are cleared to start taking down the decorations.

Of course, this guide is tongue-in-cheek. These are the top ways to ruin the holidays, but you can make the holidays wonderful. Remember throughout this season why you celebrate in your tradition, keep an open mind, find ways to give and be generous, and focus on your family and making connections over the holidays. The holidays seem to come so quickly every year, but each one is precious and important.

1. Focus on Others: The goal of getting together is not to impress others but to know others. With this in mind, you can choose conversation topics that are about the other person. Family, work, school, hobbies, places a person has lived, how two individuals met, current events, and travel or cultural experiences are good starting points for a conversation.  Take interest in who you’re talking too without making them feel uncomfortable.

2. Discover Their Interests: We build relationships by identifying with other people. You can use conversation to identify with others by looking for areas of common interest or experience (sports you play or watch, fashion, books, movies, TV shows, work, etc.) Avoid trying to one up others by telling more impressive stories.

3. Reduce Distractions: Nothing kills a conversation faster than distractions – anything that takes away from the good pace of conversation. Before beginning a conversation, turn off phones, televisions, or other distractions. Help your children engage face-to-face instead of retreating to e-mail, text, or social media.

4. Take Responsibility: Conversations are enhanced when the conversationalists take responsibility for the conversation. Be aware as you are talking if a subject is reaching a dead end, if you are talking too much, or when to defer to the other person. If a subject is reaching a dead end, introduce a new direction.

5. Be Prepared: You can prepare for a conversation by thinking of good questions to ask others and topics to introduce (for family and friends of all ages) before gathering with a group. This is part of taking responsibility for the conversation – not depending entirely on others for conversation topics.

Whatever your plans this holiday, remember that life is about relationships. Make the most of them this year.

• Change the focus from food to folks. So much of the holiday celebrations are focused around food. While food is part of important traditions, help yourself and your family to focus on each other and guests rather than the food. Focus on the conversation and activities you can do together (exchanging gifts, playing a game, playing with kids, etc.).
• Sneak in exercise. The holidays provide many excuses for skipping exercise. If you’re working out less, find ways to sneak in the exercise. Try parking further away from a store entrance, using stairs instead of an elevator, playing video games that make you stand up and move, and dancing with your kids, spouse, or friends instead of watching television.
• Lose the loser calories. If your family doesn’t revolt, leave the high calorie, low nutrient items off the table like gravy, dressing, and condiments. Serve and consume less alcohol.
• Take time. The holidays aren’t the same without tempting treats. Keep the treats around but take the time to enjoy them rather than mindlessly eating.
• Keep healthy snacks around. Healthy food can be good! Along with the less healthy items, serve low fat meats and lots of fruits and vegetables. Make sure your family members have healthy snacks to enjoy so they don’t get so hungry they make poor eating choices.
• Get out there! After the big meals, take a neighborhood walk or plan for family games of basketball or flag football. Consider gifts for your kids or other family members that can spark an active game. Plan for active activities during your teen’s winter break.

A little holiday weight gain can seem like a minor thing, but research has shown that Americans have a hard time losing the holiday pounds. And they can add up year after year. This year, take a few small steps to help yourself and your family eat less and move more.

- Why should you attend?

• As a parent, you are the most important teacher in their child’s life. Conferences offer parents a way to connect with the other teachers in their child’s life.
• Parent-teacher conferences should never be missed. They offer a way to build relationships, collaborate on strategies for success, and positively impact your child’s education.
• Attending conferences is an easy and effective way to establish a comfortable working relationship with your child’s teacher. Your presence alone sends a positive message to both the teacher and student that you value your child’s educational success.

- Show up and show up on time. Meeting with parents helps teachers learn how to best serve their students and make the school year as productive as possible. Like most parents, teachers have busy schedules. Commit to making time for your child’s conferences even if it requires rearranging your regular schedule.

- Have all parents in the child’s life attend with their child (if children are invited to attend). Parents, teachers, and students are then able to map out an attainable strategy for achieving the student’s academic goals. The student feels empowered, supported, and is held accountable for their school performance and the goals they set.

- Have a discussion with your child before conferences. Ask them what their concerns are and what they like and dislike about each class. Discuss what they perceive to be their academic strengths and weaknesses. Find out your child’s particular goals for each class.

- Know your child’s current grades before going so there aren’t any surprises, and parents can be prepared. Parents can also prepare by reading the course syllabus for each class.

- Compile a list of questions you and your child have for the teacher. Write down discussion points, things to tell the teacher about your student, and a list of positives and negative experiences your child is having in that particular class. Some points you may want to cover:

• Ask about your child’s level of class participation and of there are ways they can become more actively involved.
• Ask about ways you can become more actively involved in your child’s class.
• Find out what skills and knowledge your child will be expected to master this school year.
• Find out how your child is evaluated.
• Discuss how the teacher accommodates differences in learning and what your child might need extra help with.
• Ask the teacher what your child seems to enjoy most in class. Find out what they excel at and where they struggle.

- Make your time together count. Establish a good relationship with the teacher and find out the best way to contact them. Go over your list of questions and your child’s goals for the class.

- Take notes. Be sure to write down each teacher’s specific comments and recommendations and take them home to revisit.

- Give thanks. Thank your child’s teacher for their commitment and dedication to making your child’s educational journey successful.

- Take it home. It is important to put the new strategies you discussed at conferences to use immediately. Debrief the main points of the conference with your child at home and help them implement the goals they set, and their teacher’s recommendations, into their school routine.

- Keep in mind that:

• Teacher feedback, both positive and negative, is imperative to your child’s academic success.
• Every teacher is different. It is important to understand each teacher’s techniques for accommodating your child’s needs. Know the resources each teacher provides.
• Be open minded to each teacher’s suggestions and try to keep your emotions under control.
• Remember that your child’s telling of what is occurring in the classroom with a particular teacher might not be completely accurate with regards to grades, completed work, classroom behavior, etc. Check the facts before initiating conflict with either the teacher or your child.
• Understand that because each teacher’s expectations are different, so will be the plans and goals you create with them and your child.
• Have realistic expectations and do not forget your child’s teachers are human.
• Know that conferences often occur early in the school year or semester, and that teachers might not know your child as thoroughly as you do. Help them understand your child better by giving them insight to aspects of your child they might not know or understand.
• The conferences are about your child and helping your child succeed. They are not about you or your experience in school.

Parent teacher conferences do not have to be a dreaded chore. When you make a genuine effort to maintain a positive relationship with your child’s teacher and keep the lines of communication open, your child will continue to improve in school, find ways to be successful, and enjoy their classes.

And with all this fun often comes a large dose of stress! Just like adults, kids can have added stress during the holidays. This is especially true for those whose families have changed over the last year due to divorce, moves, death, job losses, mental health issues, changes in finances, and military service overseas. There are many things parents can do to help their children cope.

1. Recognize the signs of stress in children. These may include:

• Tears for seemingly minor reasons.
• Nervous behaviors such as nail biting and hair twirling.
• Physical complaints, such as stomachaches, headaches, fatigue, diarrhea, etc.
• Regression to younger behaviors: bed wetting, eating with hands.
• Withdrawal from school friends or siblings.
• Any behavior that your child doesn’t normally do could be a sign of holiday anxiety.

2. Take it easy. This might require taking children out of the spotlight during holiday plays or performances at relatives’ homes; reducing the time you spend at parties by combining parties and get-togethers; and limiting travel plans.

3. Take care of your children and yourself. Make sure kids (and you!) get plenty of rest. While it may be exciting to stay up late, lack of sleep often leads to increased irritability. If you don’t already know, ask your kids what is fun and relaxing for them. Do they wind down with music, reading, spending time with you, playing with siblings or doing fun activities like watching movies and sledding? Remember also, if you feel stressed, it increases the pressure and tension on your children. Cope with your own holiday anxiety. Try to avoid getting overloaded with obligations. The less holiday stress you feel, the more relaxed your children will be.

Also keep good eating habits in mind. Between parents being too busy to cook a nutritious meal at home and all of the sugary holiday treats, kids and parents end up with a stressed out, hungry family. Plan at least one healthy meal as a family everyday. Remember to toss in a healthy snack while you’re visiting the mall.

4. Remember routines. During the holidays children find their routines disrupted as they are often dragged along on shopping expeditions or taken to events over which they have no control. Especially for small children, when a routine is broken, stress can result.

5. Plan early and include your kids in the planning. Kids need some degree of control and predictability. Prolonged uncertainty, constantly changing plans or last minute decisions can all increase stress. Early planning may also help with sticking to routines.

6. Family traditions. Uphold and maintain family traditions as much as possible. Kids count on certain traditions. They can have an important grounding effect by letting kids know that even though some things have changed, other things have remained the same.

7. Limit television and video games. Limit the amount of time kids spend alone watching TV or playing video games. Encourage physical activity and interaction with peers. Need help with a teen breaking a video game habit or addiction? Check out our blog post, “Helping a teen with a video game addiction.”

8. Don’t compensate with empty promises or lots of gifts. Continue honest communication with your kids, including about holiday plans, holiday expectations, and who will be around for the holidays. If you are missing a family member this holiday season, for example, don’t promise he or she will be home in time for the holidays if the decision is really out of your control. Also, don’t compensate with lots of gifts either. What most kids really want is your time and attention.

9. Give back. Volunteering has been shown to be as good for the volunteer as for those the volunteer helps! Volunteering often relieves feelings of holiday anxiety. This holiday season consider volunteering at a food bank, kids’ hospital or community center. Check out Volunteer Match and local nonprofits for volunteer opportunities.

10. Attitude check. Both you and your children may need an attitude check before the holiday season begins. Take a deep breath, and have everyone in the family pledge to make the holiday season a time of joy and peace. Remind everyone that with the right attitude that goal can be met. Remember to laugh together and to focus on time together.

With some planning and attentive effort, everyone can enjoy and have fun during the holidays!

With this in mind, parents can help teens find positive, dangerous, adrenaline-high activities that meet their need for taking risks and having fun while keeping teens safe, and, in some cases, helping them learn new things. If your teen is already involved, encourage them to keep at it! You might even try some of the activities with them. Consider encouraging your teen to get involved in:

1. Sports. School sports and club sports give kids an excellent mix of physical activity and competition to get the adrenaline flowing. Remember what it feels like right before a big game or race starts? That’s adrenaline!

2. Extreme Sports. Some teens need just a little more risk in their physical activity. Extreme sports are a good outlet for these kids. The risks may be greater for teens, but much of the risk can be reduced by carefully choosing how and where the kids do activities, finding places for kids to train and practice on a course, using protective gear, and keeping equipment in good shape. Some extreme sports kids might like:

• Off-road motorcycling
• Skiing and snowboarding
• Surfing
• Luging
• BMX biking
• Skateboarding
• Water-skiing
• Rock climbing
• Wakeboarding

3. Outdoor Activities. The great outdoors offer an awesome array of activities for adrenaline-seeking teens of all types. Activities for kids to try outdoors include:

• Camping
• Backpacking
• Orienteering
• Bungee jumping paragliding, hang-gliding, skydiving or parasailing (with a reputed company, of course)
• River rafting, kayaking, canoeing
• Mountain climbing
• Rock climbing
• Zip lines
• Mountain biking

4. Being a Leader. Some teens get their “ya-ya’s” out in less physical ways by taking social and emotional risks. But they still get an adrenaline rush. These teens might enjoy the excitement of:

• Running for student council or youth leadership position in the community
• Volunteering at home or abroad, possibly in a natural disaster situation
• Being part of or leading an effort to change a law or local policy

5. Competing. Teens who are involved in sports compete regularly. Take the time to cheer them on. Teens who are less sports inclined can find other competitions. Consider helping your teen find short story, poetry, and art contests to submit their work to. Find ways for a teen who plays instruments to enter a band or music competition. If your teen is a runner or bike rider, help them find and enter local races (and do one with them!).

6. Danger Zones. There are many safe “danger zones” that teens can have fun in, both occasionally and over the long term with proper training. Some ideas:

• Amusement parks
• Paintball
• Hunting
• Learning how to handle a gun
• Learning how to use a pocket knife

While some of the risk that teens take can be scary and dangerous, there are many ways to harness a teen’s natural thrill seeking for good – staying active, learning sportsmanship, learning new skills, developing life skills, and appreciating the outdoors. And in many of these activities, parents can find ways to connect with their teen, either by being on the sidelines, arranging for classes, or doing an activity with their teen. For more ideas, check out Gever Tulley’s Fifty Dangerous Things You Should Let Your Children Do.